First Person: "If you are still single, it was probably what God intended for you."

Another installment in our series of First Person interviews on virginity. This story came through our comments and we thought we'd share it with you.

I'm a 53 year old male virgin. Many factors lead me to this state of celibacy. I'm Catholic, I never had a car or real dating money until my early 30s, my parents NEVER encouraged dating or relationships for me or my siblings (6 of us in all), no girls ever showed any interest in me, I was shy, and to some extent my family was dysfunctional and emotionally barren.

I've had 5 dates in my life, and all of them were a waste of time. They were emotionally traumatizing since I started so late, I had no clue as to how to behave. None of the people I ever wanted to see again.

Being celibate is not the WORST thing that can happen to you. In my case I developed a mild porno addiction and used masturbation since 15 to satisfy my lustful feelings. Today most of that is gone. I find most women simply don't like men today. Once you get past 30-35, if you are still single, it was probably what God intended for you.

Sadly some of us just won't get any offers for intimacy and we may also lack the skills to get anyone interested in us as well. Read the book Save the Males. I learned to accept what happened to me, and I'm glad I'm not stuck with kids I didn't want or a marriage I don't enjoy. Many married people have told me repeatedly I'm lucky to be single and not to change it now.

I'll never know until death it this was God wanted for me or not. It's happened, and all I can do is deal with it one day at a time. There is no fairness in the dating world, and lots of fine people just won't land a partner. Drop the self-pity and shame trip–it's done.

Tell us how you define virginity, how you lost/kept it, and anything else about the v-word. Email your answers to info*at*trixiefilms.com.

"The 650-Pound Virgin" probably had bigger problems than lack of a sex life.

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TLC is showing a documentary called 'The 650-Pound Virgin" Sunday night about a guy who managed to lose over 400 pounds in 26 months. It's a pretty amazing weight-loss story and seems worth checking out, but the 'virgin' angle really annoys me. There are many references to how lonely he was as a morbidly obese young man, but surely he had bigger problems than his lack of sex life. I can't even imagine all the devastating things that can happen to your body when you carry around all that weight. 

The V-Word is a great marketing tool. It's interesting what a cliché the obese virgin is in our culture, when in fact most older adults who haven't yet had sex are pretty 'average' looking. Even in the emails I get from older virgins, I can't think of any who talk too much about their weight.

I'm cable-challenged, but if anyone catches the show, let us know what you thought.

Take Action TODAY: End Funding for Abstinence Only

This will only take you a minute and needs to be done TODAY! On July 8, the House Appropriations Committee's subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services and Education (Labor HHS) will be considering funding for FY 2010. Help us make sure there is nothing there for Abstinence-Only organizations.

From the Feminist Majority Foundation:

Email the Labor HHS Subcommittee [you can check if your local reps are on it] and Call Chairman David Obey, (D-WI-7), at 202-225-3365 and tell them that failed abstinence-only sex education programs must not be included in the FY 2010 spending bill for Labor HHS.

The latest report, just released by the Columbia University Mailman School of Public Health and the Guttmacher Institute, reflects a rise in teen pregnancy rates in 2006 and 2007 and fewer teens are using contraception.

These appalling statistics should not come as a surprise. During this same time period, millions of dollars that could have been used to provide guidance based on age appropriate sex education in our schools and communities has been diverted for ideological reasons to failed abstinence-only programs.

More info at Feminist Majority.

"There are no real virgins in Tehran"

Great essay in DoubleX about Iranian sexuality by author Janet Afary, a professor of religion and women's studies and the author of the book Sexual Politics in Modern Iran. Here she talks about the shifting attitudes towards sexuality among young people:

Today dating is even more common despite continued parental objections and state prohibitions. In an Iranian feminist publication, I saw an interview with an assistant principal in one of the lower middle class schools of south Tehran. The principal said that while young girls of her own generation skipped school to go to parks and cinemas with boys, her students go to their boyfriends’ houses or their own houses. And yes, they sometimes have sex.

In some cases, fathers assist sons, and mothers quietly help daughters. When a veiled mother was brought into the principal’s office and told about her daughter’s secret dating, she confessed that to protect her daughter from her father’s wrath and the morality police on the streets, “on occasion I tell her to bring her friend home with her and I go into the kitchen giving them some privacy.”

Much like the stories I've heard from Turkish women, the importance of virginity is waning, although not the importance of maintaining the illusion of virginity:

Among the more cosmopolitan middle classes, virginity is no longer crucial. Greater access to cars has meant greater privacy, allowing more women to become sexually active before marriage. Many women from the more pious middle classes have premarital sex and then a hymen repair operation before getting married. The popularity of the operation has resulted in numerous jokes that in Tehran, there are “no real virgins.”...

...In Tehran and the big cities, young people might obtain a simple certificate of temporary marriage to avoid the morality police when they go to the Caspian Sea resort for summer vacation. They then annul the vow when they get home.

There are problems, however, not unlike in the US. Here and there, the double standard reigns supreme:

Although premarital sex is becoming more common among urban youth, the young men feel little responsibility or obligation toward the young women they sleep with. Few use contraceptives, and the burden of avoiding pregnancy falls mostly on the women. Young women also have no legal protection from sexual molestation and rape, unless they admit to the authorities that they engaged in premarital sex, in which case the woman’s punishment is harsher than that of the male perpetrator.

Unlike the situation here in the US, the Iranian government actually sponsors sex education classes:

Couples attended required state-sponsored sex education classes before marriage; many young urban and rural women first learned about female orgasm in these classes. These two major changes—greater literacy and sex education—altered the institution of marriage and attitudes about sexuality.

Afary includes a link to a strange little video from a condom factory in Iran. Scoot forward to the 4-minute mark to see fascinating footage of one of these mixed-sex classes. If you can't see it above, click this link.

Why are we more alarmed at the swine flu epidemic than HIV? [with update]

Update: Advocates for Youth is running a "Sound the Alarm" campaign asking congress to take action on funding for AIDS housing, federally funded syringe exchange programs and increasing global AIDS funding. Check out their call to action.

Marie Cocco at the Washington Post Writers' Group raises an interesting question about our attitudes towards dangerous diseases.

In the past few months, we've experienced near hysteria over swine flu and almost constant media attention to scares about tainted food. These are genuine health hazards – but they aren't necessarily deadly, nor do they affect nearly as many people in the United States and around the world as does AIDS.

The difference, of course, is that you get HIV from having sex or using drugs intravenously, not from unwittingly eating a bad burger or sitting next to a flu carrier.

Condom use is in decline among American teenagers, and rates of STDs are on the rise, most alarmingly HIV. This is largely the fault of Abstinence-Only curriculums, which teach the lie that that condoms are not effective at preventing STDs. But it's not only their fault.

The same researchers who documented the drop in condom use link the decline in part to waning public concern about transmission of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. The clear increase in the proportion of teenagers using condoms came during years when public health and media messages about the dangers of HIV were at a height.

Abstinence-Only sex ed got its early momentum as a reaction to the explicit sex education that was taught in the 80s in the wake of the AIDS epidemic. As the Abstinence-Only programs grew thanks to goverment support – and as a result of their bad science and religious moralizing – the sexual health of young people has taken a turn for the worse.

It's not enough for the Obama administration to make it harder for Abstinence-Only outfits to get funding. It's time for sex education programs to return to the hard-core public health messages we heard back when we all took HIV and sexual health seriously.

First Person: "It would be easier for me if she were also a virgin"

Another installment in our series of First Person interviews on virginity. Our friend in Oklahoma left this in our comments and we thought we'd share it with you.

I'm a hetero guy in Oklahoma in the USA, turning 36 at the end of June 2009, a virgin. Honestly, I'm not really preoccupied with the perceived "stigma" or what other people think. I'm not sure why exactly.

I've always wanted to be in an intimate, lasting relationship and sharing a life with someone; as I put it once, being able to say "I love you" to a former stranger. That's been my real, primary dream or wish to be fulfilled, rather than sex itself.

My main anxiety is over my ineptitude of the act the first and few times afterward - in some ways I think it would be easier for me if she were also a virgin. It would be a bonding experience, both figuring out how to make it all work, that first time, because I'm not all that interested in sex in and of itself. I don't agree with the guys who want an experienced woman, in fact that is more intimidating to me.

Tell us how you define virginity, how you lost/kept it, and anything else about the v-word. Email your answers to info*at*trixiefilms.com.

Virgin Mary sighted on turkey

This just in: Malden High School Cooks Refuse To Cook Virgin Mary's Image

MALDEN, Mass. – Every Monday, Rossana D'Agostino does the same thing to prep for Malden High School's Thursday lunch: She goes into the freezer, slices open the plastic casings and thaws the turkeys. But this Monday was different.When D'Agostino sliced open the plastic, she saw an image of the Virgin Mary on the Thursday lunch special, making it a "holy turkey," she said.

"I have ten months of the school year, and I’ve never seen a turkey like that," she said.Once a few kitchen helpers took a look and affirmed that the image was indeed the Virgin Mary, they declared that they would not cook the frozen bird."Nobody will cook it," Cathy Strum, the food services secretary said. "The cook was very nervous about cooking it, and the slicer said, ‘I’m not slicing it either.’”With one more full day left of school and no turkey on the menu, D’Agostino’s "holy turkey" will go back into the freezer until September, Strum said.

Although Food Services has yet to show the turkey to the nearly 1,600 Malden High School students, pictures of it will hang at the cafeteria registers Thursday for the last lunch period of the school year."

Ask Professor Foxy: Should I Lose My Virginity?

This is a cross-post from Feministing.com Also, please check out the great comments with first-person thoughts on losing your virginity. [Bolding here is ours]

Dear Professor Foxy,

I am 22 and half years old and I am still a virgin, and frankly, I worry a lot that this is strange and unusual.

From age 17 to 20, I dated two different guys seriously. Coming from a pretty religious Roman Catholic background, at first I didn't want to have sex for all the wrong reasons -- because nice girls don't do that outside of marriage, etc etc. As I got a little older and a little more in touch with my feminist self, I realized I didn't want to wait for marriage, but that I simply wasn't ready yet to have sex, and not with that particular guy. It will work itself out later, I figured.

But now all of a sudden I'm 22, just graduated from college, and things seem different from this perspective. The majority of my friends have had sex, and as a feminist and a student of women's studies, I'm very much surrounded by writing and thinking that advocates women to take charge of their sexuality and be sexual and have sex if they want to. And I support that 100% -- its just, I also start to feel like I am the ONLY ONE who hasn't had sex yet!

The thing that makes it more difficult is that I could have sex if I wanted to. I am involved with a very nice, kind guy right now. But it is very casual and at the end of the summer we will be moving to different coasts and we both expect things to end. I'm sure having sex with this guy would be a perfectly nice experience, we've done everything else ever there is to do already, and I'm very comfortable with him. A large part of me says hey, you're 22, you'll definitely like sex a lot, who knows when you'll be in any sort of relationship again (my new job will not be very conducive to being in any sort of serious relationship for various reasons), just do it. But then another part wonders, what if I regret it -- I don't want to do it just to get it over with.

I guess what I am wondering is basically, how unusual is it to be 22 and still a virgin? And am I making far too big a deal out of this one little act?

Thanks,
L

Hey L -

Two major thoughts occur to me:

1. How much people want to be normal when it comes to sex. Have sex at the right time. Make the right noises, Smell the right way. And how there really is no normal. The only thing that actually matters is what is right for you.

2. I can't give you a clean answer to have sex or not to have sex. Culturally, we tie a lot of import to THE FIRST ONE for women. While we can go through a lot of feminist deprogramming, that deprogramming does not always reach our own feelings and self-judgments. This is a decision you have to make for yourself, both how much it matters it to you and whether or not to have sex.

What it really comes down to is how much emphasis you place on what you are defining as sex. And I think that the "defining" part is key. I am not sure how sexually intimate you are with your current partner. Are you doing everything but putting penis into vagina? Or are you at the kissing and above the waist groping stage?

If you are at a clothes on or no exchange of bodily fluids or no penetration stage, having sex is a pretty big step and one you do not seem ready to take.

If you are already getting naked, exchanging bodily fluids, etc, you are closer to having vaginal-penile intercourse and it may make more sense to have sex.

I think there is something emotionally safer about having sex with someone who is leaving. No matter how emotional or invested you find yourself afterwards, they are going to be gone and you cannot tie unrealistic expectations to them. Time limited relationships also allow the person to stay closer to perfection. Traits that may later become annoying (leaving the seat up, an obnoxious laugh) are sweet and endearing in only a few months.

You also get to get over your first time jitters with someone who you are not trying to build a long-term relationship with. That can make all the potentially embarrassing moments less embarrassing.

The other side is you may regret it. Regret is a funny thing because there are very few predictors of what we will regret. Keep in mind you can start to have sex and stop at any point. If your inner voice starts to tell you that sex is not right, stop. You owe no one sex.

And if you decide to have sex, make sure to make it safe. Use condoms, women get pregnant, become HIV positive, or catch a sexually transmitted disease the first time.

You need to make your own choice, but weigh the pros and cons and listen to your gut. Only you can know what is best for you.

Best,
Professor Foxy

Shameless Self-Promotion! Screening July 17th

"Brooklyn Superheroes. Suicidal Moths. Pancake Terrorism. Alien Shootouts. This is just a sample of what you get when thirty filmmakers reflect on the end of the world."

I'll be screening my new short with 19 other apocalyptic films by members of the Brooklyn Filmmakers Collective on July 17th in New York. Our theme this year is "The End," and although the styles and genres of the films are all over the map, they all deal with the idea of finality. Coincidentally, "The End" is also the name of my film which is about the very, very, very end of a relationship.

In addition to the screenings, there's music by Midnight Masses and DJ Barney Iller. Performance artists Christina Ewald and Fritz Donnelly are MCing the party to celebrate the conclusion of BFC’s latest season and help fund the group’s ongoing work. It's at the Music Hall of Williamsburg and all the info is at www.BFCTheEnd.com.

Please check it out and pass it on!

First Person: "I have no one to blame but myself"

Another installment in our series of First Person interviews on virginity. This one came by way of our comments section and is somewhat disturbing. If you're out there, drop us a line and let us know you're OK.

I'm a 38 yo male virgin. Awkwardness/shyness of my youth, so I have no one to blame but myself. That eventually lead to the lack of experience that brought me to where I am today. I went to college, have a great job, run, hit the gym twice a week, volunteer, etc. But after decades without a date, nothing holds joy anymore. I've given my last penny from my 'emotional bank account' long ago without making any deposits.

As I look back, the burden has grown to be too much. All my friends have families. They MUST talk about me. I'm too old to 'begin dating.' If I could think of a way to do myself in without my family knowing, I would do it tomorrow.

Tell us how you define virginity, how you lost/kept it, and anything else about the v-word. Email your answers to info*at*trixiefilms.com.

Did that billboard just change?

From our intern Courtney:
This is off topic, but I thought it was pretty cool. Amnesty International has created an interactive billboard to combat domestic violence. When a person first glances at the billboard there is a picture of a man about to hit a woman. If someone stops and looks directly at the billboard a special camera recognizes this and the picture changes to that same couple smiling and looking very happy. The text below says "It happens when nobody is watching." Thanks to the Bust blog for the post.

We know where Bruno gets his Naked Suits

Have you see the photos of Sasha Baron Cohen's alter ego Bruno in a naked suit? We have and frankly we prefer Borat in his lime green thong. Best to leave a little to the imagination.

We think he got his suit from a woman named Anna Maltz who does these suits as art projects, creepy as it they be. Check out this video:



If you cant see the video click here.

But that's NOTHING compared to the first time I saw her naked suits on the Awkward Family Photos blog. I can't find the original post of "Weirdest Family Photo Ever," but the actual photo kind of speaks for itself. Click away but very NSFW.

"The Moon is Blue:" Our fave playboy-meets-virgin film

The other day we posted a cool list of films in the genre of playboy-tries-to-get-into-the-pants-of-a-sweet-young-thing. "The Moon is Blue," a 1953 film directed by Otto Preminger, is our favorite, if only for the scandal it caused.

If memory serves, dashing architect William Holden quite easily manages to get virginal Maggie McNamara up to his apartment. Unfortunately for him, she turns out to be a rather crafty virgin who ends up making dinner instead of sweet sweet love. In the end, I think they get married.

It has the wonderful distinction of being the first post-code film to use the word 'virgin' on screen. Also, even though the virgin in question remains intact, she doesn't seem totally horrified by the idea of not being one, either. It's even a bit shocking to watch it today, given the attitudes of other films being made at the time. Take that, Doris Day!

The Catholic League of Decency tried to get it banned, but because Otto Preminger produced it himself, he used all his clout to get it released independently (very unusual for the time). It went on to earn several Oscar nominations, including best actress.

Are abstenice-only programs getting a make-over?

Welcome to our summer intern Courtney who's going to be doing some posting for us over the next couple of months. Take it away, Courtney:

The Nation has an article by Jessica Valenti about the "virginity movement" (the abstinence-only crowd) trying to re-brand itself. She writes:

The virginity movement is much more than the same old sexism; it's a targeted and well-funded backlash hellbent on rolling back women's rights using modernized notions of purity, morality and sexuality. Its goals are mired in old-school gender roles, and its primary tool is young women's sexuality.

Now it seems that they are trying to create a new image after years of comparing sexually-active girls to lollipops (Once they have sex they become a poorly wrapped saliva-covered sucker) It’s about time.

The abstinence-only programs will now be called abstinence-centered and try to educate the students on more than just not having sex. They say they want to teach teenagers how to live healthy lives and be much more science based. From the article:

At an April 29 Capitol Hill briefing, Huber told the room that abstinence-only education is "not a 'just say no' message." "This is not abstinence only, this is a holistic message that prepares and gives students all of the information they need to make healthy decisions," he said.

The virginity movement is also attempting to legitimize its message by rebranding itself as science-based. The newly renamed Medical Institute (formerly known as the Medical Institute of Sexual Health), for example, touts itself as being founded to "confront the global epidemics of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.... We identify and evaluate scientific information on sexual health and promote healthy sexual decisions and behaviors by communicating credible scientific information."

I hope for the sake of the teens being educated by these programs that the change is real and will be a success. Time will tell.

Dept. of Counter-Intuitive Contraception: Withdrawal is almost as effective as condoms. A second look.

Update: Since this item ran, there's been a lot of discussion about the wisdom of withdrawal – and how effective this method really is. I think I was a bit too flippant about the issues involved so I though I'd take another look.

For one thing, the comparison data is based on the fact that many people don't use condoms correctly, lowering their effectiveness. Given that reality, withdrawal may work as as well. But since it does nothing for preventing STDs, isn't it better to get the condoms right?

From Caroline Hotaling, an analogous situation:

All of the drinking water guidelines that existed (at one point anyway) for uranium in drinking water were based on its toxicity, not on the fact that it's RADIOACTIVE. Why? Because no amount of uranium in drinking water is safe if measured by its radioactivity. Who the hell cares whether pulling out is as effective in preventing pregnancy? It's frickin 2009, people. Use condoms.

Yes people. Use condoms.

Original Post:

Vindicating every boy who ever promised to pull out and actually did, here's a fascinating study from the Guttmacher Institute:

A new commentary, “Better Than Nothing or Savvy Risk-Reduction Practice? The Importance of Withdrawal,” by Rachel K. Jones et al., published in the June 2009 issue of Contraception, highlights that withdrawal is only slightly less effective than the male condom at preventing pregnancy....

The best available estimates indicate that with “perfect use,” 4% of couples relying on withdrawal will become pregnant within a year, compared with 2% of couples relying on the male condom.

More realistic estimates suggest that with “typical use,” 18% of couples relying on withdrawal will become pregnant within a year, compared with 17% of those using the male condom. In other words, with either method, more than eight in 10 avoid pregnancy.

This method is of course all about contraception, since you won't have any barrier to STDs without a condom.

Found! The lost Buffy episode where she kicks Edward Cullen's ass.

NOTE: If the screen is cutting off on the right, watch it here or here.

Does Bella's passivity make you want to hurl? Are you thinking "If only Buffy were around today, she'd call out that creeepy Edward..."

Well, here's the match-up you've been waiting for. The remix is by Jonathan McIntosh of Rebellious Pixels. Text from his site:

In this remixed narrative, Edward Cullen from the Twilight Series meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer at Sunnydale High. It's an example of transformative storytelling serving as a visual critique of Edward's character and generally creepy behavior. Seen through Buffy's eyes some of the more patriarchal gender roles and sexist Hollywood tropes embedded in the Twilight saga are exposed in hilarious ways.

I really wish he would have corrected the color on the Twilight scenes so it matched Buffy better. Otherwise, I think it totally rocks. Thanks to Michelle for the tip!

Scholarships for Virgins?

From IOL, a South African news website (via Broadsheet) reports on a new program:

Schoolgirls who can prove they are virgins are being offered the chance to gain scholarships to university under a scheme launched in Sierra Leone on Monday to combat high rates of teenage pregnancy.

Girls from northern Biriwa will be eligible for the scholarships if they apply and pass a virginity test conducted by a community nurse, according to the Biriwa Youth Alliance for Development Organisation (BYADO).

There's a whole lot of wrong here: Submitting girls to virginity testing, which all you readers know reveals almost nothing about whether a girl has had intercourse or not, is just plain invasive.

And rewarding girls for staying virgins is a misguided way to combat teenage pregnancy, given the prevalence of sexual assault. It's another example of making girls solely responsible for what happens to them sexually (the guys are barely accountable in this equation) without giving them any tools to control their reproductive health.

The only mention of the boys:

For those bike riders who pregnates a girl student, their bikes will be confiscated, sold and the expenses go towards the upkeep of the baby.

Dept. of Loathsome Fan Mail: Comments from YouTube

An occasional roundup of comments from the Trixie Films YouTube channel*:

Antifeminazi: Feminism is the most loathsome and phoniest Marxist fraud ever devised. Along with feminism comes censorship, infanticide, secret police brutality, presumption of guilt, class/gender conflict & brutality, subversion, state supremacy and destruction of individual civil rights. Feminism is merely communism in disguise like the "wolf in sheeps clothing" and will always produce the opposite of what it claims. Feminists are inherently duplicitous, criminal authoritarians posing as "liberators".

AdMAHraMeR: Humans have instincts. Some are more dominant than others. One of these instincts is to follow and respect taller, broader, louder things over smaller, weaker, quieter things. In this case, the man is the former and the woman is the latter. It is rather unfortunate that people follow their instincs rather than use their brains, but that's just the way things are, and there's not much you can do to change this. Apart from jump in front of a horse.
Make me a sandwich.

saruji: stfu about feminism already! there are bigger problems in the world! Its a choice obviously if your too dumb to figure that out, cut your wrists and take a bath, bc you too stupid for this world.

*Grammar and spelling uncorrected

Cosmo Shocked to Discover Existence of Virgins

We just wrote about this, but I just thought the cover was so hilarious it was worth posting. Besides, haven't virgins always been one of Cosmo's main demographics?

Virginal bride, slutty bride. Same old. How about something really Offbeat?

Newsweek's online division recently reported on the trend of modern brides "opting for racy gowns, wild bachelorette parties and sexy Maxim-style pre-wedding photo shoots." Apparently this is due to the influence of seeing "respected actresses and role models pose seductively on the covers of the lad magazines."

Millie Martini Bratten, the editor in chief of Brides magazine, thinks that when brides-to-be do the same for their grooms, it's "the ultimate display of freedom and empowerment." Yeah - seeing Mary Louise Parker display her empowerment by posing naked on a red couch sure makes me want to throw on a see-through white lace bustier for under my chuppah.

When it comes to women and role-playing, acting slutty is not the opposite of acting virginal. In fact, a woman is just stepping neatly into one of the two stereotypes available to her, namely virgin and whore. And how economical in these recessionary times to get that magical two-fer: white lace and a plunging neckline.

If you really want a trend story, how about women who aren't interested in either of those two limited options. At Offbeat Bride, a website that asks you to 'altar your thinking,' women are busting through stereotypes and reinventing what it means to be a sexy bride. These hot, fabulous women are really embracing the "freedom and empowerment" that so inspires Ms. Bratten.

Some of the more recent posts include Gabrielle & Andres' "tattoo parlor meets tea at grandma's house" wedding, Shrie & Brett's Vintage 50's Mexican Fiesta Hitchin'! and Sarah & Jess's Scottish/Southern/Unitarian Beach Wedding

Interestingly, many of the offbeat brides are also plus-sized. Given the standard fashion and beauty norms attached to the wedding industrial complex, it's no surprise that an alternative space is the only welcoming one.

College Candy's Abstinence Ad Roundup

College Candy says: "I always knew deep down that engineers could never get laid, and now I know it’s true." So do we. We've seen the data. But this next one we can't figure out. Is it for real or a brilliant parody?



Three more billboards and commentary here.

The non-tragedy of losing your virginity to someone you're not in love with

The National Review's Kathryn Jean Lopez is all in a lather because of a Cosmo story about college-age virgins and the pressure around them to have sex. I don't know which is more annoying:

a) Cosmo's stop-the-presses story that there are still 20-somethings out there that are still virgins. I guess they haven't read this blog's comments lately.

or b) Ms. Lopez's dismay that so many young women are not waiting for their one true love, but instead throwing their self-esteem out the window and having sex with someone who they merely trust or feel comfortable with or maybe are even really attracted to:

Victoria Vikes, who at the ripe age of 23 is one of the older girls featured in the article, says, “Sometimes my virginity feels like a handicap. Dating is difficult enough without that hanging over my head. I might just settle for the next semi-decent guy who comes around.”

Andrea and Victoria are representative of the women profiled. Most of these gals aren’t even thinking the “l” or “m” words — love and marriage. They simply want to find a mate they will remember, or they will be “comfortable” with, or who will be “someone they trust.”

So Lopez wants these young women to be strong and hold out for the one Mr. Right, and to hit home this point she quotes another student named Hannah, about her abstinence program:

Best Friends is about teaching young girls how to be smart, successful and beautiful. Best Friends is about self-respect, self-control, responsibility, and love. It’s about respecting your body and not having sex at a young age. Best Friends is about being truthful and being yourself.”

There's just one problem with her role model: Hannah is in sixth grade. It's very good that Hanhah's NOT having sex, but by the time a woman reaches her twenties, can't she be trusted to do what she wants with her body? Sex is actually a pretty darn fun activity and while being madly, mutually in love with your partner is nice, it's by no means a requirement.

What's really the problem is being forced to behave a certain way because of outside pressure. Either by your friends and dates pressuring you to have sex – or by people like Ms Lopez and the whole abstinence movement shaming you into not having it.

Of course, as always, no one wringing their hands about the boys.

Top Movie Scoundrels Tamed By That Special Virgin

From a great post on the blog E-Verse Radio: Top Five Movies with Men who Play Scoundrels who Settle Down when They Meet that Special Virgin. From back in the day when 'confirmed bachelor' wasn't just code for gay. Personally I always hated Gigi for its extreme creepiness factor, but this is a really fun list.

5. Pillow Talk (1959): Rock Hudson plays a womanizer attracted to prudish Doris Day. The movie features Hudson, a gay man, pretending to be a straight man pretending to be a gay man who Doris Day is trying to “save.” Hudson and Day fall in love and settle down . . . .

4. Bedtime Story (1964): Remade as Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels. Marlon Brando plays a caddish con artist/gigolo who seeks to seduce viriginal Shirley MacLaine. Through a comedy of errors and misunderstandings, he ends up married to her, forced to live the lies he used on her in the first place. As the movie ends, we’re led to believe that MacLaine is a lucky woman and the couple will have a happy marriage despite its bedrock of lies. Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels turned the conceit on its head by having the leading lady be a con artist herself. Not so in the original.

3. That Touch of Mink (1962): Womanizer and confirmed bachelor Cary Grant fancies virginal Doris Day, who in turn likes him. But she breaks out in hives at the prospect of doing the nasty with him out of wedlock. Finally he consents to marriage in order to bed her. Then, he breaks out in hives.

2. Gigi (1958): Wealthy womanizer Louis Jourdan is friendly with a poor family made up of a long line of courtesans. Little Gigi (of “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” note) is an adorable child, until Gaston realizes she’s old enough to be his mistress and makes her an offer to set her up in that role. But then he realizes the error of his ways and marries her.

1. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969): James Bond gets married!

Adding to the list is the Philadelphia Enquirer's Carrie Rickey:

This underexplored subgenre of the romantic comedy flourished in the 1950s, that decade of double whiskeys and double-standards. My personal favorite is The Tender Trap, with Frank Sinatra and Debbie Reynolds. (The Tender Trap is a good name for this type of film.)

Les Girls (Gene Kelly, Mitzi Gaynor, Kay Kendall and Taina Elg) is pretty terrific, as is the Audrey Hepburn Virginathon Love in the Afternoon (with Gary Cooper), Funny Face (Fred Astaire) and Sabrina (William Holden and Humphrey Bogart). Oh, yes, and Flower Drum Song (James Shigeta and Miyoshi Umeki) and the original Where the Boys Are (George Hamilton and Dolores Hart), a surprisingly sharp group portrait of what were then called good girls and nice girls.

In the modern era, I suppose Clueless could be included. Am I missing any playboy-taming virgins? Your favorite(s)?

Sorry mom, the testosterone made me do it...

"They are men. They have desires. They have testosterone. If they make a mistake, I'm not going to hate them. I don't think they are above or below being seduced. I would be foolish if I thought that. I pray for them."

Denise Jonas, mother of the chastity-ring-flaunting Jonas Brothers, on how she would feel if they had sex before marriage.

Presumably Mama Jonas imagines an army of temptresses out to ruin her sons. So - how would the reasoning of "They are women. They have desires. They have estrogen" fly? Yeah, we thought so.

Australian business man pulls out of Natalie Dylan's virginity auction

Bad news for the Australian fellow who won the right to be the first to put his penis inside Natalie Dylan for $3.8 million. Seems his wife doesn't think it's as good an idea as he does and has made him back out on the deal. He's getting his deposit back.

Is the murder of Dr. Tiller only a taste of worse to come?

By now I think everyone has heard the horrible news about the murder of abortion provider Dr. George Tiller. Instead of looking at this as an isolated incident, Christina Page, author of "How the Pro-Choice Movement Saved America," writes:

The pattern is clear and frightening. In March 1993, three months into the administration of our first pro-choice president, Bill Clinton, abortion provider Dr. David Gunn was murdered in Pensacola, Florida. That was the beginning of what would become a five-fold increase in violence against abortion providers throughout the Clinton years.

Today's assassination of Dr. George Tiller comes 5 months into the term of our second pro-choice president. For anyone who would like to believe that this is a statistical anomaly, a coincidence that doesn't portend anything, again, you are wrong.

During the entire Bush administration, from 2000-2008 there were no murders. During the Clinton era, between 1994-2000 there were 6 abortion providers and clinic staff murdered, and 17 attempted murders of abortion providers. There were 12 bombings or arsons during the Clinton years.

This is chilling stuff, especially for anyone who works with abortion providers. I volunteer as an escort for Brooklyn Pro-Choice Network and I wonder how this will effect the clinic we support in Sunset Park. Christine quotes Claire Keyes, of Allegheny Reproductive Health in Pittsburgh:

Right after the election we saw a small upsurge in anti-abortion activity. But since the inauguration, things have gotten measurably worse. There's been an increase in picketing by students from Franciscan University in Ohio. On Saturdays there are 60-plus protesters and there's been an increase in screaming and aggression.

We don't have a parking lot so people park on the street. The antis have surrounded cars, trapping the women inside, and in several cases the antis jumped into vehicles and touched or grabbed at them. The police were called but so far they don't seem to be responding appropriately.

More than ever, we should be supporting abortion providers in our cities and towns. If you are in New York, please contact Brooklyn Pro-Choice Network. They can really use our help!!

Virgin Mary sighted at local dry cleaner

I think this one's pretty darn convincing! This apparition of the Virgin Mary was recently sighted at a Rio Grande Valley dry cleaners. The employee who spotted it on one of the presses revealed that she prayed every day. Tune in to Action 4 News which will reveal which dry cleaning business this is.

About those 72 Virgins...

One scholar...has raised eyebrows and hackles by suggesting that the “houri” promised to martyrs when they reach Heaven doesn’t actually mean “virgin” after all. He argues that instead it means “grapes,” and since conceptions of paradise involved bounteous fruit, that might make sense. But suicide bombers presumably would be in for a disappointment if they reached the pearly gates and were presented 72 grapes.

Nicholas Kristof, writing about an international conference at the University of Notre Dame that took place in April. The participants are taking an intellectual look at the Koran using the latest analytical tools and scholarship.

Brooke Sheilds: Too ugly to have sex?

In a news item weirdly-connected to the Susan Boyle story, Brooke Sheilds said she thought she was not good looking enough to have sex, which is why she stayed a virgin to the impossibly old age of 22.

I guess the first question is: Why tell us this now, Brooke? Do you have a new show coming out or something and need publicity?

Second question: Since when is 22 way too old to lose your virginity?

And the third question is: Does she really mean for us to believe she didn't have sex because she thought she wasn't pretty enough? [See above] Of course it's perfectly understandable she felt ugly. Our fucked-up society makes even gorgeous fashion models think they're too hideous to be seen in public, let alone on British talent shows. It's just that, in the having-sex dept., it's how others perceive your beauty that generally determines whether or not you get laid.

Besides, I always thought it was some kind of publicity thing her mother dreamed up for her. She was the sexy-but-not-sexual poster girl before Britney even existed. As Brooke told us: Nothing came between her and her Calvins.

Susan Boyle check-in. Are Lily Allen and I the only ones who thought she was kind of OK?

Just this weekend we sat around wondering: Whatever happened to Susan Boyle?

Didn't she have to compete in some more rounds for that show she was on? Or was she just unanimously proclaimed the winner? Turns out she did just do her next round, watched by gagillions of people, except for me.

She looked very nice with her tasteful new hair and new look and new makeup and all. On the other hand, her taste in music is still horrendous - another Andrew Lloyd Webber song. Memory. Feh. But I guess the Brits love that stuff. She started off on a bad note and then, as reported by everyone in the universe, recovered beautifully to end with a standing ovation. All the judges were totally sucking up to her which totally fun to watch.

As for me, I didn't think she sounded that great at all. Her voice was weak and rough the whole time. And she was still cringe-worthy in her goofing around on stage. I'm with Lily Allen. She's overrated.

Still, I still hope she wins and gets to sing for the Queen.

See what you think...

Abstinence counselor assaults girl he was counseling about abstinence

Posted without comment, but a couple of boldfaces...

A former youth adviser at a Bridgeport church was arrested Monday after police said he sexually assaulted a 16-year-old Trumbull girl he was counseling about sexual abstinence.

Vernitt Hoheb, 31, of Barnum Terrace, Stratford, a youth adviser at Mount Aery Baptist Church in Bridgeport until the allegations against him were made, surrendered to police after being told there was a warrant for his arrest.

He was charged with second-degree sexual assault and released after posting $5,000 bond pending arraignment next Tuesday in Bridgeport Superior Court.

Hoheb supervised a youth group at the church called PLUG, or People Living Under God, police said.

The girl told officers that Hoheb sexually assaulted her in his car in the parking lot of a Trumbull gym where he had stopped while driving her home in March.

In an interview with police detectives, Hoheb allegedly said he had been counseling teenage girls, including the victim, on how to say "no" to sexual advances from adults.

"I wanted the girls to understand that no matter who it may be; the pastor, another adviser or myself, they should not be afraid to use the word no," police said Hoheb told them.

Hoheb also allegedly told police the girl had expressed interest in him, but he was determined to "nip it in the bud." Although Hoheb initially denied having sexual contact with the girl, police said he later admitted having sexual relations with her in his car.

Virginity Auction: "Ten thousand Euros is not so much money"

An update on Alina Percea, who says she sold her virtue for far less than the 50,000 Euro she hoped to make.

"Ten thousand euros is not so much money, even in Romania,' admitted Alina. 'But it will be enough. I hoped I'd be able to have an apartment in town. But now I will live with my parents while I go to university."

How would her life be different if tuition was cheaper or free? Why do women need to prostitute themselves to get a good education? Anyway, she also reports that she took the morning after pill and is planning to see the guy again. Wondering if this means more of these kinds of auctions in the future?

The story continues to depress me. Here's a photo of Alina taken by the German auction site, I guess to make her look sexier than the original photos she provided.

Romanian teen hopes virginity auction will turn out like "Pretty Woman." We just hope she doesn't get an STD.

Copyright 2008 News Group Newspapers Ltd

The Sun reports that 18-year-old Romanian student Alina Recea, who we wrote about a while back, successfully auctioned off her virginity to an Italian businessman for about 10,000 Euro.

We can have a nice debate about whether this is just a savvy woman taking advantage of some rich guy in the free market, but here's the really truly most depressing part: After a day of sight-seeing, he took her to a five-star hotel and they had unprotected sex. She had said earlier:

...he must provide a full medical certificate to prove he is free from all STDs. If I have sex without a condom I will take the morning after pill afterwards, as I do not want to become pregnant.

No report on whether he provided anything but cash and a box of chocolates, but she apparently had to undergo not one but two exams to make sure she was really a virgin (or at least had an intact hymen). Hope she made the creep pay extra at least. Alina described her encounter in fairly positive terms, for what it's worth:

“He seemed much younger. He was very funny and charming. He didn’t have a beer belly. We got on very well. He didn’t say if he was married or had a family, and I didn’t ask him.”

“I felt a bit nervous.” But she said of her first sexual experience: “I liked it.

"I hoped I'd meet a nice man, like in the film Pretty Woman.

"At the arrivals lounge, a man came over, smiled, handed me a box of chocolates and said: ‘Welcome to Venice’. He looked much younger than 45, short, but nicely dressed, with dark hair, green eyes and a kind smile.

"We kissed, then undressed each other. I'd never done that before, so I was nervous. He laid me on the bed and started kissing my body, then we had sex. I was attracted to him, so I enjoyed it.

“It’s not like prostitution because it was a one-off — and I did this for good reasons.”

Bristol: Your Audience Can't Hear You

Our abstinence correspondent Formerly Fundamentalist has more on Bristol Palin:

Graduated Bristol Palin and poster baby of pro-life, son Tripp, take the cover of People magazine this week. The accompanying article doesn't reveal anything new about a middle class teen's life post-giving-birth.

The overall message (as is consistent with the GOP platform – minus Megan McCain – she loves loves loves sex if you hadn't heard): Don't have sex, kids. It will ruin you're effin' life.

But anyone who's been to youth group has heard this message. It was one I took to heart and vagina. And despite a few successful blow jobs, I eventually walked down the aisle a technical virgin. All data would indicate that I was then, and am now MORE SO, the exception to the rule. Luckily, the guilt of the Lord kept me cleanish in the ways of sex. However, thinking about my teen mindset steeped in id, I didn't hear much else.

My point is the inherent flaw of teenagers is their inability to fully understand the consequences of their actions. This is why you equip them with knowledge of how to proceed safely in lieu of scaring them into "abstinence" (which includes, possibly, unsafe anal).

Yes, Bristol, you have the screaming baby of nightmares to showcase your bad decisions. What do most teens have? A throbbing libido demanding attention and the ego which informs them "it won't happen to me."

Trixie's note: How tired are we of stuff like this?

"If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex," says Bristol, sitting at her parents' lakeside patio table. "Trust me. Nobody."

If girls – and guys – realized the consequences of sex, they'd realize they should use protection.End of story. Aargh!

Bristol Palin: Proud Mother, Future Possibly-Employed Real Estate Agent

Our abstinence correspondent Formerly Fundamentalist checks in with Bristol Palin:

Congratulations, Bristol! You graduated from high school! Your future's so bright, you've got to wear shades! Tiny baby shades for Tripp, too! Blow Pops all around! Uh, wait, your plan is... what is it again?

"...she says she hopes to go to an area college for a two-year business degree and then a job, possibly in real estate."

Did Alaska avoid the housing crisis? Your mom is the best governor ever!

Jessica Valenti on "The Purity Myth"

Salon recently did an interview with Jessica Valenti on her wonderful new book* The Purity Myth. Being virginity obsessives, we've covered a lot of this material here on this blog, but the Salon interview is a really nice precis of the most interesting/maddening issues. Salon introduces the story with one of our favorite themes:

Purity balls and "barely legal" porn both feed the same idea – That a woman's worth is between her legs.

In another post, I'll write a bit about our day on the Barely Legal set, and porn's own take on the concept of virginity. The video we shot of Gram Ponante's tutorial on virgin porn is here.

Here are some excerpts of Jessica's responses to Salon, and some links to additional coverage on this blog:

On Bristol Palin:

Well, I don't think they had a choice, really. The interesting thing is that the abstinence-only movement shames teen moms and often tries to get them kicked out of school. In this case, they had to publicly embrace her to show what good Christians they are -- but I don't think that's the treatment that any other teenage pregnant girl would get.

Bristol embodies all of these contradictions behind the purity myth. First, she said that abstinence wasn't realistic. Now she's promoting abstinence and trying to prevent teen pregnancy -- but also saying that her baby is the best thing that's ever happened to her.

On Natalie Dylan and virginity auctions:

I don't know why we're so surprised by it. This is going to sound terrible, but that's essentially the same thing the abstinence movement is saying: “Hold off until you can auction off your virginity to the person with the biggest ring.” It's really the same thing, only done in a more explicit and economically honest way.

I think it's really interesting whom we decide to call whores. [Natalie Dylan] is a whore because she's being really upfront and honest about it. But you would never think to call a woman who is getting married [for financial security] a whore.

On why Abstinence and Girls Gone Wild are two sides of the same coin:

It's strange. I think that both "Girls Gone Wild" videos and abstinence-only education classes tell women that what's most valuable about them is their sexuality. Porn has all of this “barely legal” and “virgin porn” stuff, where the most fetishized woman is the virgin. It's the same thing with abstinence-only and the purity pushers: The most revered person in their world is the female virgin.

*Thanks so much for the book, Jessica, but we're still waiting for your release form!

Do Guys Have a Virgin Fantasy?

The Frisky asks "Do men really have a virgin fantasy? Are they actually turned on by the idea of deflowering someone?" (nice icon, by the way)

We at The American Virgin often asks guys this question and the overwhelming response we get is: Not really. I'd rather be with someone who knows what she's doing.

Although there was one slimebag, I mean, gentleman we met at Sundance who said he wanted to be with someone who's clean. When pressed, he admitted it was because he wanted to be with someone who wouldn't know what a lousy lover he was. Yeah dude, that's who I'd want to spend my first time with...

Some of Frisky's IM responses:

Pimping virgins is fine,just don't mess with the Holy Mother

Several weeks ago we wrote about Australian filmmaker Justin Sisely's dubious documentary project. He's advertising for one man and one woman to auction off their certified virtue in exchange for $20,000 (AU) each. In return he gets to film the auction process, using a Nevada brothel as his intermediary.

Although he himself admits what he's asking from his subjects is prostitution, actually going through with the deflowering is not required. I don't know about you, but I think that little fact might put a damper on the bidding - and any interest in actually seeing the film. Not that I'm giving him advice on how to to be a good pimp/pornographer, I'm just saying...

Anyway, now he's getting death threats – death threats! – for the poster he's been using to recruit subjects. It's described as "a picture of the Virgin Mary with male genitalia on her forehead." We can't see any naughty bits ourselves, but it's interesting that this is what people are bent out of shape about. As we've seen before, little sexual exploitation is fine, but don't mess with Mary.

XXfactor births a new website: Just ignore the Home Decorating blog

Slate Magazine has just launched a new site called DoubleX, a spin-off of their great women's issues blog the XXfactor, which consistently covered topics close to this blog's heart (we've linked to them many times). The posts are generally timely, thoughtful and entertaining to read.

So, I took a little trip to Double X to see what was up and found stories on the Supreme Court contenders, Tilda Swinton, breast feeding as well as a provocative item on why the blog Jezebel is bad for women. But there's something just a teensy bit troubling about their mission. Here's the description from Slate:

The new site takes the Slate and XX Factor sensibility and applies it to politics, culture, fashion, parenting, health, science, sex, friendship, work-life balance, sexual politics, and anything else you might talk about with your friends over coffee. The XX Factor blog will be at the heart of the site, but the magazine will also publish analytical essays, surprising reporting, and other features of the sort you're familiar with from Slate.

The site is run by Slate writers Emily Bazelon, Meghan O'Rourke and Hanna Rosin who are also posting greatest hits from the XX Factor archives along with the new stuff. I really hope Double X doesn't turn into another bland women's content site featuring mommies, babies, fashion and yogurt – with the really sharp stuff from XXfactor buried inside somewhere.

I'm dismayed by the existence of a home decorating blog, and their strange series of articles on feminism, especially one of those predictable 20-something essays pitying those poor middle-aged women who cling to the tired old ideas of feminism. Yawn. I am, on the other hand, always very happy to see people like my hero Katha Pollitt as one of the contributors.

Feministing has a really strong critique of it, especially about the series of articles about feminism:

Double X as a whole seems to reflect an increasing trend in online women's and feminist media - and frankly, it is making me tired. Tired of the manufactured feminist "cat-fighting," tired of the hating, tired of the notion that the only way to write about feminism is to smugly (and incorrectly) point out where it is failing. I am all for an accountable feminism and constructive criticism; I think it's necessary in order to make our work as writers and activists better. But the never-ending bullshit masquerading as good faith critique is simply exhausting. And we can do better.

Abstinence-Only funding?Kick it to the curb!

Too bad we've already wasted well over $1 billion dollars on this crap. From the Obama budget, Department of Health and Human Services:

The 2010 Budget proposes a new Teen Pregnancy Prevention Initiative to support community-based and faith-based efforts to reduce teen pregnancy using evidence-based and promising models. In addition, a new Strengthening Communities Fund will help build the capacity of non-profit organizations and State, Local and Tribal entities to better serve low-income and disadvantaged populations. This Budget also proposes funding for (1) a new child welfare initiative, and (2) a human services case management system for Federally-declared disasters. This Budget eliminates funding for Community-Based Abstinence Education, the mandatory Title V Abstinence Education program, the Compassion Capital Fund, and Rural Community Facilities.

This isn't going to stop schools and churches from teaching scientifically inaccurate Abstinence-Only, but at least our tax dollars aren't going to be funding it. Thanks to Sara for the link to Politico. Read the astounding range of comments here.

Update from Salon's Broadsheet:

What's more, the budget proposes $164 million for teen-pregnancy prevention programs. An enthusiastic "yay" and a "woo-hoo" are definitely in order – but, be warned that 25 percent of that budget would be available to abstinence-only programs, according to the Wall Street Journal. Luckily, they'll have to fight with other programs just to get a piece.

Bristol Palin: What if she was allowed to tell the truth?

You can see her discomfort. Saying lines from her script, not really understanding what she's advocating. I've felt sorry for Bristol Palin since she first got thrown into the spotlight sitting next to her cleaned-up babydaddy Levi at the RNC.

Now she's on Good Morning America talking about being the new Abstinence Ambassador for the Candie's Foundation, announcing her plans to promote abstinence as the "only 100% foolproof way you can prevent pregnancy."



[Here's the link if you can't see the video above]

And here she is on the Today Show:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

[Here's the link if you can't see the video above]

When asked how this message squared with her own non-abstinent past – despite the hard-core abstinence education, she replied:

"I'm not quite sure, I just want to go out there and promote abstinence and say, this is the safest choice. This is the choice that's going to prevent teen pregnancy and prevent a lot of heartache.

This is a long way from her previous comments that abstinence is "not realistic at all." That was back when we hoped that Bristol Palin would be the Ambassador for Abstinence-Just-Ends-Up-Getting-You-Pregnant, but no such luck.



[Here's that link if you can't see the video above]

It was her first and last honest moment on camera, before the handlers gave her the approved script. Her intense discomfort and confusion in both is difficult to watch. How can she honestly promote something that she knows from personal experience doesn't work?

Shelby Knox, live-blogging from the Candie's Foundation event, reported that she looked

scared of saying something to hurt her mom, can't tell what she really thinks, she was not genuine at all... teens I asked thought it was sexist and left out gays youth and sex. Also thought Bristol hypocritical for preaching abstinence.

How much more good could Bristol do if she was just allowed to tell the truth?

We heart Hillary and her Global Repro Rights speech

Please watch and enjoy this breathtaking speech by Hillary Clinton on global reproductive health and the vital importance of access to safe abortions. It is her response to anti-choice Rep. Chris Smith when asked if the Obama administration will "overturn pro-life laws" in Africa and Latin America. Her firm, clear and authoritative voice is inspiring.

We have a very fundamental disagreement and it is my strongly held view that you are entitled to advocate and everyone who agrees with you should be free to do so anywhere in the world, and so are we.

We [the Obama Administration] happen[s] to think that family planning is an important part of women's health and reproductive health includes access to abortion, that I believe should be safe, legal and rare.

From RH Reality Check, a site for "Information and Analysis on Reproductive Health":

She spoke truth to power. And in doing so, she gave voice to those who have none in this debate. Each year, more than 600,000 women, according to what can only be described as conservative estimates, die of causes related to pregnancy and childbirth. Each year, more than 75,000 of those deaths, according to those same conservative estimates, are caused by complications of unsafe abortion.

Each year, countless children are left without mothers due to maternal mortality. Each year, women seek desperately to avoid a pregnancy they can not afford and have been left without basic services. Each year an increasing number of women become infected by HIV through unprotected sex that could be prevented by effective programming.

Can you have a full life without sex?

I hear a lot from older virgins, so this item popped out at me. Em & Lo, who are mostly all about sex, sex and then more sex, recently ran this interesting question:

I’m 34 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I was molested as a child and raped as an adult. I’ve never had consensual sex. Yet I have intensely sexual dreams. I’ve had years of counseling, but the fear of having a sexual relationship remains.

I isolate myself from men. The only ones I feel comfortable around are gay or married. I feel ostracized from a society which places such a high priority on sex, and I feel I am missing out on life because of my limitations. Am I really missing out? Is it possible to live a complete life without sex?

They recommend more trauma therapy, either privately or in a group. And also have some dandy sex-for-one tips, if for those so inclined. And there's also this commentary on our sexualized culture:

We know it’s hard being constantly bombarded by sexual imagery in the media, but please understand that the majority of it is a fantasy, one that’s often orchestrated simply to get us to buy products (even stuff as mundane as instant rice!).

The reality is that while sex can be fun and exhilarating and bonding, it can also be messy and stressful and unfulfilling. We’re certain our society’s obsession with sex, especially idealized sex, has led to an awful lot of disappointment in the sack.

Add to that the sad fact that sex can be used as a weapon of violence and subjugation, and we see nothing wrong with people — especially people who’ve been through the kind of trauma you have — choosing celibacy, if that’s what’s right and works for them.

What do you think? Can you live without sex?

Future 'Virgin Mary Sightings' posts in peril

A decree from the Catholic church:

Catholics who claim they have seen the Virgin Mary will be forced to remain silent about the apparitions until a team of psychologists, theologians, priests and exorcists have fully investigated their claims under new Vatican guidelines aimed at stamping out false claims of miracles.

The Pope has instructed the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, formerly the Holy Office of the Inquisition, to draw up a new handbook to help bishops snuff out an explosion of bogus heavenly apparitions.

RIP Bea Arthur

I loved this woman! Here's an excerpt from her obit about the groundbreaking abortion episode in the first season of "Maude." I remember watching it as a 10-year-old and thinking it was a really big deal:

In the show’s first season, Maude, at the age of 47, learned she was pregnant; her distress was evident.

“Mother, what’s wrong? You’ve got to share this with me,” Carol says. Maude’s response is typical, with barbs aimed both inward and outward, delivered by Ms. Arthur with a flash of simultaneous anger, despair and humor: “Honey, I’d give anything to share it with you.”

The two-part episode was broadcast in November 1972, two months before Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court case that made abortion legal nationwide, was decided. By the episode’s conclusion, Maude, who lived in Westchester County in New York, where abortion was already permitted, had chosen to end the pregnancy.

Two CBS affiliates refused to broadcast the program, and Ms. Arthur received a shower of angry mail.

If you can't see the video, click here.

Plan C: The Emergency Anti-Contraceptive

"Morning After Morning After Pill Re-Impregnates Guilt-Ridden Women"
Reduces the chance of aborting pregnancy after unprotected sex (ie. if regular birth control method succeeds and you have sudden, dramatic change of heart). Not intended to replace responsible choices in life.

From The Onion. Thanks Angela!

Do we need separate sex education for boys?

Given the recent conversations about the date-rape scene in Observe and Report, I wonder why men aren't more insulted by the unending portrayals of their gender as sex-crazed, shallow date-rapers.

Yesterday's New York Times ran an interesting column about a movement to deal with that image – and reality – by giving boys a separate kind of sex ed. Perri Klass writes:

It has never been easy for adults to deal with young teenagers honestly and sensibly on this subject, and it isn’t easy now. We live with an endless parade of hypersexualized images — and a constant soundtrack of adults lamenting children’s exposure to that endless parade. There’s increasing knowledge of dating violence, including well-publicized celebrity incidents. And there’s always a new movie to see about how adolescent boys are clueless, sex-obsessed goofballs.

Stir it all together, and you may get an official worldview in which boys are viewed as potential criminals and girls as potential victims.

The 'official world view' is, of course, wrong and dangerous, and the idea that that all men are dangerous is not accurate or productive. But the push to make the guys talk and learn about issues around rape and violence is a good one. I'm tired of it always being the woman's responsibility "not to get raped." And given the constant questionable role models both young men and young women are exposed to in pop culture and porn, any alternative can't come fast enough. Klass goes on:

As a pediatrician with two sons and a daughter, I acknowledge the need to emphasize manners and respect as boys maneuver into adolescence and adulthood, and to help them understand the implications and obligations of their increasing size and strength. And I acknowledge that for their own protection, boys need to understand that there are people — male and female — who will see them as potential predators, and judge them automatically at fault in any ambiguous situation.

I love the phrase "the implications and obligations of their increasing size and strength." She goes on to say that as a feminist, we should teach the same lessons to girls: Respect, manners, not taking advantage of people, and understanding doubt and ambiguity.

Absolutely, but please let's keep the focus on the boys just for a bit. Helping young men understand these issues and learn to take responsibility for their actions doesn't make women victims. We can take all the self-defense and empowerment classes we want, but unless we put the responsibility in the hands of the guys, we won't change a thing.

Vulcan=Virgin?I thought it meant Yo, Kohan.

From The Uber Review, which has a link to buy this t-shirt:

You know those guys that great each other with Vulcan gang signs? They aren’t getting any. It might come as a surprise, but it is only in the movies that they meet similarly geeky females and get to live long and prosper with a member of the opposite sex.

I've known my share of hot Trekkers, but none of them ever flashed me the sign – or wore the ears for that matter. That's not hot. Anyway, the new Star Trek movie opens May 8th so go see it with your favorite geek.

.
[Zachary Quinto looking mighty fine as Spock]

Scottish Virgin's Got Talent and Kicks Ass

Did you catch the video of Susan Boyle's audition for Britain's Got Talent? She wowed the judges and the audience with her rendition of "I Dream a Dream" from Les Miserables.

You can see it here - and please watch it until the end!

It's a story for this blog because in the pre-interview, Ms. Boyle described herself as a virgin who's never been kissed and lives with her cat. She presents a less-than-glamorous figure: overweight, unfashionably dressed, unemployed, looking older than her 47 years. I was cringing watching her, dreading what was to come.

Not surprisingly the audience and judges laughed at her ambition to become a singing star. As Simon Cowell keeps reminding us, women have to be young, slim and sexual to make it in the business. So it brought me and the rest of the world a lot of joy to watch her flying her flag, taking their shit with great humor – and then blowing them all away with her wonderful performance.

I get a lot of emails from people who have shut down their outer lives because they've never had sex. They believe they're not pretty enough or sexy enough or experienced enough to ask anything of the world.

So next time you're feeling that feeling, STOP and watch Susan blow them all away, outward appearances and history be damned. I hope she becomes a huge star and fuck the rest of 'em.

"I was a middle-aged virgin"

Update: This has been a very popular post, generating comments and private emails. So we're going to post it again hoping more people find it.

Also, we've started a new series called First Person to share your thoughts about losing/keeping your virginity right on the blog. Check it out and email us yours, anonymously if you prefer, to info*at*trixiefilms.com.

Thanks to one of our readers for linking us to a Salon article about Roger, a 49-year-old male virgin dealing with his intimacy issues. He worked with a psychotherapist and sexual surrogate and his journey is pretty fascinating. From the article:

Roger is not alone. There are no studies on the prevalence of virginity over 30, but many of the nation's sex therapists report a small, steady stream of older-virgin clients. During 23 years in practice, California psychologist David Johnston says he's counseled 50 middle-aged virgins, collaborating with various surrogate partners. "One was 72. A few have been women. But the vast majority have been men in their 30s or 40s."

Our reader highlighted this quote, which I think echoes a lot of the emails we've been getting on the subject:

"Every older virgin has a unique story," Johnston explains. "They run the gamut from terrible shyness to emotionally barren families to sexual abuse. But all older virgins feel terrible shame. They feel embarrassed and humiliated by their lack of relationship experience." Age 30 seems to be a line of demarcation. "By 30," Blanchard explains, "older virgins feel so socially awkward and out of sync with the world around them that they choose to hide."

One of the most interesting parts of this story, for me, was Roger's reaction to having sexual intercourse for the first time:

"The intercourse itself was not that big a deal," Roger explains. "I mean, I was glad to have it. I was glad I wasn't a virgin anymore, that I'd finally 'done it.' But I didn't need it more than once. Our whole process of becoming physically intimate and talking about it was much more important to me. I felt freed from some of my shame about being so naive and confused about sex.